


these four walls

by grumpylightwood



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Deals With Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, also idk how to tag, listen to these four walls by lm while reading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 03:07:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12761853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumpylightwood/pseuds/grumpylightwood
Summary: It was his responsibility as Head of the Institute to be focused 24/7, to be there for the Institute, but most importantly, for his team. There was enough going on with Sebastian's imminent attack, Alec being distracted or distraught was not something they needed. They needed a strong leader. And that's what he had to be. No matter how hard it was.





	these four walls

Alec walked into the loft, almost kicking his shoes off and planting his gear on the floor next to them. Stepping through the living room, he took off his jacket and tossed it onto the couch. When he finally walked into the bedroom, he replaced his jeans with sweatpants, and grabbed a towel.

It was just one of those days. Nothing was wrong, per say. Nothing happened. But nothing felt right either. And he didn't know how to deal with that. All day, his mood would jump from being happy, smiling at everyone, enjoying his day, to angry, ready to punch anyone who talked to him, and would reach its final stage, when he would be completely devastated, tears in his eyes, threatening to spill. And from there, it would switch back to the first 'stage', constantly circling, confusing him, agitating him.

This wasn't the first time. His emotions have been a mess for quite some time, but he would always suppress them. It was his responsibility as Head of the Institute to be focused 24/7, to be there for the Institute, but most importantly, for his team. There was enough going on with Sebastian's imminent attack, Alec being distracted or distraught was not something they needed. They needed a strong leader. And that's what he had to be. No matter how hard it was.

Running an Institute was definitely not a piece of cake. He knew that it had never been easy for his mother or for Lydia, and even with all the help from Izzy and Jace, he still felt like he was drowning. Helping Clary with whatever crusade she decided to take on, taking care of the Clave representative checking up on him that week and making sure everything ran smoothly, dealing with his own as well as his friends' personal problems..it was hard.

Sighing, he rolled his shoulders, feeling every single tiny crack, and the tension residing there. His entire body was sore, and he could barely stand on his feet. God, did he need a break. He climbed into bed, not even bothering to move the duvet, not even covering himself. He was on his side, staring at the closet.

The room was dark. There was no sunlight, as the curtains were drawn and the blinds were closed. It was almost grey. However, he couldn't be bothered to change that. He liked the darkness. More than he would like to admit. It felt like darkness was all he could see, all that he could feel nowadays.

It was like drowning, and never fully resurfacing.

It was a while ago, but Jocelyn's death haunted him every single day. Alec knew he had a tendency to dwell on even the smallest of his actions, if they had been considered as bad by someone, but this..this was a life. A life taken by him. Maybe not his mind, but his own two hands. Clary and Luke may have forgiven him, _everyone_ may have forgiven him, but he never forgave himself. That was something he found extremely hard to do.

The bed wasn't as comfortable as it used to be, so he went into the bathroom. A shower would always relax him, no matter how bad he was feeling. Every time he took one, he felt like everything was washing away. Every problem, every thought, every heartache.

But this time, it wasn't helping.

He didn't know how long he had been sitting on the shower floor. The water was cascading down, droplets falling onto his back. It was hot sometime ago, he was sure of it, but the warmth was now replaced by ice cold water, making him shiver whenever it made contact with his skin. He was sitting with his arms wrapped around his legs, his chin on his knees. There was nothing interesting about the particular tile he was staring at, but he was unable to look away.

He remembered being little, listening to his parents yell, scream, threaten, break. No matter how hard he pressed his palms against his ears, it didn't make it go away. It just wouldn't go away. He remembered going to the bathroom and turning on the shower. He would sit underneath the small waterfall in his clothes, listening to the yells coming from the living room. And then a door would slam. And then silence. Nothing could be heard, except the water.

This was the same. Except there was no door slamming. No yelling. Just water hitting the tiles, and the wish for sound.

At some point, he snapped out of his reverie, if you could even call it that, considering he was just staring, not even thinking about anything. He didn't really remember getting dressed, or climbing back into bed, but somehow Alec ended up lying on his side, curled up in a ball.

His gaze was fixed onto the vacant left side. His hand reached out, sliding across the mattress, wishing he could touch more than just fabric. A tear slid down his cheek, followed by another one, and soon, he was silently crying, both hands gripping his pillow so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. He felt like he was choking, whether it was from the tears or his mind, the world was closing in on him, and he was hopelessly lost and didn't know what to do.

Suddenly, he heard the front door open, and a few thunks before he heard footsteps. They were getting closer, but he didn't move. Soon, the bed dipped beside him and arms encircled him from behind, colliding his back with a firm chest, holding him tightly.

''Isabelle called me.'' A voice, _his favourite voice_ whispered. ''She told me that you were acting weird at the Institute today. Have been for the past few days.''

Magnus had been away with Catarina. One of his clients called him, informing him of an emergency in Spain which only someone as experienced as them could help with. He left two days ago, which felt like an eternity to Alec.

He sniffled in response.

Magnus kissed his hair. ''What's the matter, angel?''

 _Angel_. He squeezed his eyes shut at the nickname. It was the warlock's favourite thing to call him. Other than the obvious Nephilim origin of the nickname, he used it because 'Alec was the light of his life, his angel sent from heaven'. Whenever Alec felt insecure, Magnus would do everything in his power to make sure that he was feeling better, and used the word angel quite frequently.

''It's just-just too much.'' He whimpered, each new tear stinging his eyes.

It was obvious to Magnus that his angel was under an incredible ammount of pressure. He noticed how Alec's face would fall after each fake smile given to one of their friends. How his hands would shake sometimes. How his eyes would fill with tears but would be quickly blinked away, so as not to show any weakness. How tense he would be whenever he walked into Magnus' waiting arms, and then gradually relax. He noticed everything.

His arms tightened and he pressed his lips against his boyfriend's neck, keeping them there as he mumbled. ''I know, angel, I know it is. Life is hard sometimes, but you're a fighter. You're the strongest person I know, Alexander, and I know you can make it through this.''

''But how?'' Alec cried. ''How can I make it through this when I have never felt so weak in my life? I feel so overwhelmed, like every breath I take hurts.'' He wiped his tear-stained cheeks before his hands grabbed Magnus' arms, as if making sure that he was real, that he won't let go. ''I'm so scared. I'm terrified. I can't let anyone down and whenever I crack, even a little, I feel like I am doing just that. They all need me.''

Magnus sighed, bringing one hand up to the Shadowhunter's hair and running his fingers through it. ''Yes, they need you, but they also need you to be okay. _I_ need you to be okay. You have to take care of yourself, before you even think about devoting yourself to the Institute. You need a break, baby.''

''I can't,'' Alec shook his head. ''the Institute-''

''The Institute can manage without you.'' Magnus interrupted. ''You are not their mother, and with everything you've done for them, they have no right to complain if you decide to take some time for yourself. And if there is any need, Isabelle or Jace will replace you and fix any problem, should they encounter it.'' He promised, placing a tiny kiss on Alec's neck, feeling him relax.

''I don't know..'' Alec trailed off, still unsure. ''Alexander, trust me. You trust me, don't you?'' The Shadowhunter nodded, although they both already knew the answer. ''Then do this. Not for the Institute, not for me, but for yourself. You'll feel much better once you tune everything else out and just take some time to relax and rest.''

''Will you be there with me?''

''Right here next to you. Whenever you need me.'' He smiled slightly when Alec turned around to face him and kissed his lips. He placed his head on the warlock's chest, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist, gripping the material of his shirt tightly. Magnus planted a kiss on his forehead, one of his hands resting on Alec's back, the other in his hair. After a few silent moments, he could hear the younger man's breathing even out, telling him that he was fast asleep. The arms around Alec tightened as much as possible, and Magnus was ready to fight off any bad dream his angel might have and be the first thing he sees when he wakes up.

 

_if you're not here to turn the lights off, i can't sleep_  
_these four walls and me_

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the first work I'm posting on this site (which I probably won't delete) and I'm so incredibly nervous. I really hope you guys like it.  
> Also, as stated in the tags, listen to 'These Four Walls' by Little Mix while reading. It's what inspired this little story.  
> Love, Tess


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